Excessive Apologies: Strategies to End the Cycle

As a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that good manners is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a satisfying life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has impacted both my private and work life. It annoys my loved ones and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they point it out—which only increases my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Questioning

This excessive apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay focused and avoid going off-topic, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as instructing groups and pushing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing setbacks from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t think I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to reduce the constant apologizing. I’ve learned that professional help might support me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too much, and you place a load on others.

Exploring the Causes

A therapist might explore where this urge comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it your own idea or adopted from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once helped us become unhelpful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of effective counseling is about self-reflection, not just fixing issues. A qualified professional will supportively question you, offering a secure environment to examine and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a interpersonal focus with a supportive guide might be more helpful. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and undermine yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Practical Steps

Changing ingrained patterns is hard, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid discomfort or exposure, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a vicious circle of annoyance and worry.

Even reflecting afterward can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.

This process will take time, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward growth.