Those Words shared by My Dad Which Saved Us during my time as a New Dad

"In my view I was just just surviving for twelve months."

Former reality TV star Ryan Libbey expected to handle the difficulties of being a father.

But the actual experience rapidly turned out to be "utterly different" to his expectations.

Severe health problems around the birth saw his partner Louise admitted to hospital. Abruptly he was pushed into becoming her chief support while also taking care of their baby boy Leo.

"I handled all the nights, every change… every stroll. The duty of both parents," Ryan explained.

Following 11 months he became exhausted. That was when a chat with his father, on a park bench, that helped him see he required support.

The simple phrases "You aren't in a good spot. You need some help. How can I assist you?" paved the way for Ryan to express himself truthfully, ask for help and regain his footing.

His experience is not uncommon, but rarely discussed. While people is now more comfortable addressing the stress on mothers and about PND, far less attention is paid about the struggles dads face.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to ask for help

Ryan believes his struggles are linked to a wider inability to open up amongst men, who continue to internalise damaging notions of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the fortress that just gets smashed and doesn't fall every time."

"It's not a show of being weak to ask for help. I failed to do that quick enough," he clarifies.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist who studies mental health pre and post childbirth, explains men can be reluctant to admit they're finding things difficult.

They can feel they are "not a legitimate person to be requesting help" - most notably in front of a mother and child - but she emphasises their mental health is just as important to the family.

Ryan's conversation with his dad gave him the chance to request a pause - taking a few days away, separate from the home environment, to gain perspective.

He came to see he needed to make a change to consider his and his partner's emotions in addition to the practical tasks of looking after a new baby.

When he opened up to Louise, he realised he'd failed to notice "what she needed" -physical connection and paying attention to her words.

Self-parenting

That epiphany has transformed how Ryan perceives parenthood.

He's now writing Leo regular notes about his feelings as a dad, which he hopes his son will read as he grows up.

Ryan thinks these will assist his son to better grasp the language of emotion and understand his decisions as a father.

The idea of "reparenting" is something artist Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since having his son Slimane, who is now four.

As a child Stephen was without reliable male a father figure. Despite having an "wonderful" bond with his dad, long-standing emotional pain meant his father found it hard to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, making difficult their connection.

Stephen says repressing feelings resulted in him make "poor decisions" when he was younger to alter how he felt, finding solace in alcohol and substances as escapism from the hurt.

"You turn to behaviours that aren't helpful," he says. "They may short-term modify how you feel, but they will ultimately make things worse."

Strategies for Managing as a New Father

• Open up to someone - if you feel under pressure, confide in a family member, your partner or a therapist how you're feeling. This can to reduce the stress and make you feel less alone.
• Remember your hobbies - make time for the pursuits that allowed you to feel like you before the baby arrived. This might be playing sport, seeing friends or playing video games.
• Look after the body - a good diet, staying active and if you can, resting, all contribute in how your emotional health is faring.
• Meet other parents in the same boat - hearing about their journeys, the challenges, as well as the joys, can help to put into perspective how you're experiencing things.
• Know that requesting help does not mean you've failed - prioritising your own well-being is the best way you can support your household.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen naturally found it hard to accept the passing, having had no contact with him for many years.

As a dad now, Stephen's committed not to "continue the chain" with his child and instead offer the safety and nurturing he did not receive.

When his son threatens to have a tantrum, for example, they try "shaking the feelings out" together - managing the frustrations in a healthy way.

Each of Ryan and Stephen say they have become more balanced, healthier men because they faced their pain, transformed how they communicate, and taught themselves to regulate themselves for their children.

"I am now more capable of… processing things and managing things," states Stephen.

"I expressed that in a message to Leo recently," Ryan says. "I expressed, at times I think my job is to instruct and tell you how to behave, but in reality, it's a two-way conversation. I'm learning as much as you are on this path."